Ummm.... Why?

Just when life is going good and I have a somewhat good plan... something happens and a BETTER plan comes along. And the better plan sounds so much better.... but is it really? or should I stick with the original plan? What am I refering to you may ask? Russia.


I've been through somewhat a lot lately, as a result I am in counceling and on anti-depressants. Which both are helping greatly and I am doing so much better than I was a few months ago. While meeting with my councelor today and talking about how when I skip a day of my anti-depressants I can tell. There is a pretty big difference even if I just forget just one day. So as a result we were talking about if I should go to Russia in August or if I should wait till January to go?


Of course we made a list of pros and cons... but there are so many pros and cons for both leaving in August and leaving in January that I'm just now more confused (and I forgot to take my pill today so i'm on a verge of tears and I just want to go curl up in  ball and cry myself to sleep and its only 6 pm) MORAL of the story.... Can I get some input?


I have been putting Russia off for about a year now... I was going to go last August... Then I was going to go last January.... I'm all set to go this August.... But now I'm thinking of pushing it back again to January... I feel like I've been pushing it back so much that its just not going to happen. BUT I have made a large payment to ILP that there is no way I can back out without paying lots of money.


What if the Myans are right? What if the world ends in 2012? ;) Kidding!!! That really has no effect...


I have a good job and I would be more financially set if I waited till January to go... But then I would have to pay rent from September to December.... So would I be?


I'm not completly sure what I am going to do when I get back from Russia if I go in August.... I probably wouldn't go to school untill that fall so I would just hang out (well work... in Burley) for that time. where if I waited till January to go I would just be working for the summer... But when I came back I would have to look for a job and who knows how long that will take... So the more I could save before I go would probably be better....


January would give me more time to be prepared mentally and spiritually as well... My councelor said there was a possiblity of me being able to get off my pills by then... which would be so nice!!! Also being more able to cope with change and with life by going to my counceling and group for longer.... But I guess there is the thought that what if I get there and I do get depressed again... what kind of meds am I going to be able to access there?


But I have made plans to go in August already... I was so excited to get out of logan!!!..... But now I have made friends and am starting to like logan so waiting a little longer doesn't seem as bad...


I will admit... going in August was sort of a way to escape for me... When I was in rexburg life was easy.. Everyone was living the same values, eveyone made the same choices, and everyone followed the rules... In logan it has been different. I have to make my own decissions, I have to decide how I want to live. Going to Russia I would again be surrounded by LDS people in a situation where I would be "restricted" by certain rules... I was excited to be in that place again... But I think staying in logan will make me stronger, help me to really be who I want to be. (This might be a little confusing but for me to fully explain it might take a while... so just go with it!)


I don't want to wait till January to go... I want to go right now... But thinking it through, January is looking like the BETTER plan... HELP ME!!! :)